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Election News Burps: Election Day #6

Posted by albear on Wednesday, November 05, 2008 1:50:29 AM

Barack Obama has been elected the 44th President of the United States.  Then why did McCain seem to be the happier one?

Barack Obama will become this nation’s first African-American President. Oh, who we kidding. Oprah’s been running this country for years.

I pray health and protection for our new President. And that the likes of Rev. Wright and Jesse Jackson, et al, will come out and say, "Gee, maybe America isn't as racist as we thought."  

It was the biggest turnout in history. Obama even got more votes than David Cook!

President Bush immediately called the President-Elect to congratulate him on an "awesome night." "Thank you, Mr. President," said Obama, "It was an honor running against you."

John McCain gave a gracious, even eloquent concession speech.  In fact, it was so moving, Hillary said, "Wow. Maybe I should do one now too!"

Jesse Jackson was spotted in the crowd at Grant Park weeping. "It shoulda been me! It shoulda been me!"

And finally, Sarah Palin was philosophical: "On the bright side, now I get to go on Oprah!" 

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Election News Burps: Update #4

Posted by albear on Tuesday, November 04, 2008 7:37:52 PM
The networks are making their first projections:  From CNN, "We project John McCain will win Kentucky...and our guy wins Vermont."

Early exit polling is leaning towards Obama. Meaning, Obama is doing well amongst people who like talking to early exit pollsters.

Obama spent part of the afternoon playing basketball. Saw him make this great move.  He faked down the center and drove hard left.

GOP insiders believe McCain could still pull this off. Yeah, I'll believe that the day Clay Aiken becomes a father.

Early exit polling suggests Al Franken may be ahead in his Minnesota Senate race.  The Senate's filled with jokers. Might as well send a professional. 

This News Burp from Captain McCook in Virginia: Seminole County, FL election official Mike Ertel took the extreme step of sleeping with his county’s ballots in order to use full protection ensuring the integrity of the voting process.  No word on if Ertel, a registered republican, used protection himself – we will find out if McCain votes double in 9 months.

 
Starbucks is giving away a free cup of coffee to customers in honor of election day.  Right now, the customers are split on whether they wanted the coffee black or with lots and lots of cream. 

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Election Update #3

Posted by albear on Tuesday, November 04, 2008 4:30:09 PM


After voting in Alaska, Sarah Palin flew back into the Lower 48 for some more campaigning. And for some veerrrryyy strange reason she's campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire.  

Some ballots in Virginia were soaking wet. Perhaps from the tears of McCain supporters.

Sarah Palin's doctor says the Alaskan governor is in excellent health and that no health issues would keep her from executing the duties of Vice President. Well, except for folks being sick to death of a Republican in the White House.

A man in Whitehall, Montana has parked a trailer full of manure out in front of a Democratic campaign office to protest Barack Obama. Actually, workers in the office were still debating whether it was manure or Shinola. 
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Election Update #2

Posted by albear on Tuesday, November 04, 2008 2:32:47 PM
And here's the latest...

Black Panthers were found blocking a polling place in Philadelphia. "I was so intimidated," said one white voter, "It made the mullet stand up at the back of my neck!"

Bill Ayers and Louis Farrakhan voted at the same Hyde Park polling place as Barack Obama.  "I still hate America," said Ayers, "But I really love the cute little sticker they give ya' after voting." 

Hillary Clinton was spotted politicking inside a New York polling station. "And remember, when writing my name in, that's Hillary with two L's!"

Estimates are we can see the biggest election turnout percentage-wise since 1906. "And boy," said McCain, "That was one exciting day."

St. Olaf university professor Philip Busse has been forced to resign after bragging on the Internet about stealing and destroying McCain campaign signs. The good news for Busse? He's been offered a tenured position at Harvard.  
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Election News Burps: Election Day #2

Posted by albear on Tuesday, November 04, 2008 1:47:54 PM

ELECTION UPDATE #1

Barack Obama voted early in Illinois: How confident is Barack Obama? He’s told ACORN they can knock off their ballot stuffing early today.

Sarah Palin voted before the sun came up in Wasilla. Of course, if she waited until the sun came up she'd be there 'til March.

Barack Obama tells MTV he’s against gay marriage, but also against California’s Proposition 8 which would define marriage as union between a man and a woman.  What skill. Most politicians have to wait to get to the end of a sentence before flip-flopping.

Barack Obama got testy with reporters who followed him when he went trick-or-treating with his daughter. The trouble started when he forced other children to hand over their candy to kids too lazy to trick-or-treat.

John McCain was on Saturday Night Live along with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.  Fey must have been believable. Anonymous McCain aides blamed Fey for the skit not being absolutely hilarious.

 

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Election Day News Burps!

Posted by albear on Tuesday, November 04, 2008 1:41:47 PM
Will try to post jokes all day long as election day goes...but first, from last night...

Election Day. It’s all over, but for the voting…and the lawsuits, and the accusations, and the laying of blame, and the establishment of 2012 exploration committees, and the…

Barack Obama maintains the lead in polls, but John McCain insists he’s still going to win. And by win he means return to his hot zillionaire wife with the beer distribution company.

The white grandma Barack Obama compared to Reverend Wright during the primaries has passed away. And no, it was not from injuries sustained this summer when he threw her under the bus.

In newly discovered audio tape, Barack Obama expresses his plans to bankrupt coal companies and send electric bills sky high.  Who cares, as long as he looks good in that Inaugural tux?

At a campaign event, Joe Biden said, “girl-girls are tougher than girl boys.”  Unfortunately, he was not speaking through an interpreter, so we have no idea what the heck he meant.

Sarah Palin was the victim of a prank call by Canadian DJ’s pretending to be the French President.  The jocks were very believable. In fact, during the call they offered to surrender the French Riviera to Alaska. 

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Joe the Plumber, Joe the Mathematically Challenge

Posted by albear on Friday, October 17, 2008 4:16:31 AM
So Joe Biden thinks "Jobs" is a three-letter word. He would have counted the letters using his fingers, but they were too busy reaching into our pocketbooks.

Late night comedians poke fun at Republicans 7 times as often as they do Democrats. Well, with Democrats like Joe Biden around, who needs punch lines?

The Obama campaign and MSM have begun investigating Joe the Plumber.  Yes, he does have a butt crack...and yes, the media now has more thoroughly investigated Joe than they have Obama's ties to terrorists and radicals.

McCain still doesn't want to go after Obama's ties to Rev. Wright. Then just ask a simple question: If Obama couldn't figure out what his friend and mentor was up to in 20 years, how's he going to figure out what our enemies are up to in a time of crisis?


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News Burps: Obama's New American Motto...

Posted by albear on Friday, October 10, 2008 6:42:44 PM
News Burp:  Barack Obama suggested today a change in the US motto.  No longer will it be "From the Many One." Soon it'll be "From THE ONE, Many Taxes."

News Burp:  Obama supporters are upset at McCain for referring to his opponent as "That one" during the debate. "The proper term," they said, "is comrade."     We should mention that Michelle Obama had no problem with McCain referring to her husband as "That one."  "Like the rest of the country," said Michelle, "I slept through that part of the debate."

News Burp: An Obama supporter introduced Joe Biden at a rally the other day as "Senator John McCain."  Biden wasn't bothered, saying "It's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me." 

News Burp: Some are worried Sarah Palin will be booed when she drops the puck at this Saturday's Flyers hockey game. It's Philly. The time to worry is when they STOP booing.     Of course, Palin's already being accused of being a racist for wanting to drop a black puck on white ice.  

News Burp:  Palin's critics say the VP candidate overstepped her authority in trying to get her ex-brother-in-law fired as a State Trooper.  The trooper had, among other acts, tasered a 10-year-old.  Yep. Once again, liberals are coming to the defense of a child abuser. 




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Bailout & Partisan Problem Solved

Posted by albear on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 4:31:49 AM
In a spirit of unity and love for America, I believe I have hit upon a solution for solving the bailout deadlock, the partisan haggling in Washington, and, give a slight boost to the housing construction market to boost.  
Pretty simple actually.  The Democrats want the White House so bad why don't we just build 'em another one? Yep. Another White House, right down to the last bolt, last wire, last plate.    With the Democrats actually having a White House of their own maybe they won't feel obligated to say and do anything they can to grab  the one at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The bailout would be handled in a flash, the markets and Main Street would be safe, and, heck, even watching "The View" will be less aggravating in the morning. 

Of course, this second White House will be updated. For example, instead of Lincoln, the democratic White House will be haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Carter.  You could even put in stain resistant carpeting in case another ex-President drops by. Naturally, it'll be green. (Powered almost entirely by BS, no doubt.)  Best part, even with the usual government cost overruns we can build the thing for about 1/1000th the cost of the bailout, while guaranteeing an end to the practices and policies that led to this disaster in the first place.  

Another plus for tax payers: We can use this other White House to handle overflow from the real White House during the busy tourist season. 

Finally, the best part of this 2nd White House?  Barack Obama can play President. He'd look sharp in the role, continue coming up with exciting new presidential seals and can talk all he wants without actually having to do anything. (Except, of course, host the occasional State Dinner for Ahmadnedijah.) 

And meanwhile John McCain can get to the serious business of governing.  


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